Terror Alerts

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find Another Oil-Rich Nation For Regime Change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack Random Countries (Ideally Those Without Any Credible Military)" and "Ask The British For Help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombing threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance".

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.

Editor's Note: Big thanks to Marc W to forwarded this to me via email!

Sisters in Europe - Episode 3

After our return from Paris, I had the week off work and Stephanie and I took off to travel around by car. We went all over Germany, northern France, Belgium and Holland. I had to trust Steph to read the map. We were lost most of the time.

In Germany we visited Heidelberg. As we walked around the grounds we pretended we were in The Sound of Music and sang The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Music from the top of our lungs. People stared. We giggled.

We sampled wine from a German winery and got a wee bit tipsy which made singing all the more boisterous. Nobody joined in. We were so disappointed.

We drove through northern France and I panicked when we couldn't find a place to stay. We ended up in the god forsaken village and stayed in a mite infested room. We didn't get much sleep because I couldn't figure out the lock on the door (I don't think it worked) and I didn't want to explain to my parents how Stephanie was kidnapped in France whilst I slept.

The next day on our way to Belgium, we had to pull over in a truck stop so I could catch some sleep.

We arrived in Belgium and got lost in Brussels. We both laughed hysterically as we got caught up in a huge roundabout and went round and round (like in Chevy Chase's film European Vacation). We got off after about 5 goes and found a car park. We went into the old town and decided to have some lunch.

We ordered the seafood platter. This was a multiple tiered extravaganza of seafood. We marvelled at the size of it. And then we drank the wine. And a bit more wine. Not entirely sure how much of the seafood we ate.

Steph got up to go to the toilet which was down a winding staircase. I heard a great clatter and soon thereafter my sister returned to her seat. Apparently as she made her way down the twisted staircase she lost her footing and caught the cutlery tray which she pulled down the stairs with her. At the bottom she found herself covered in forks, knives and soup spoons. She ran off to the toilet and returned to her seat so embarrassed she just wanted to leave.

We decided to go book shopping (as one does when drunk in Belgium). Whilst living in Germany, I found the hardest part was the fact that it was very difficult to buy books in English. Belgium had loads of English books. I bought a whole bunch of books that I have never bothered to read and can't even imagine what state of mind I must have been in to purchase them. The odd thing was I lost my sister in the book store.

Apparently, she sat down on a sofa and started looking at a book about the Rolling Stones. Then she decided she was going to be sick. I'm not sure how she managed it but she found her way to the toilets at the top of the bookstore on the 2nd level (3 floors up). I paid for my books and was looking all over for her. I was starting to panic and had even left the bookstore and scoured up and down the street. I returned and thought I would try the toilets (isn't that where you always find missing women?).

I found her on floor hugging the porcelain god crying because she had been sick in her shoe. I tried not to laugh at her. But even now as I write this I am creasing myself. All she cared about was her stupid shoe. The way she told it, these were her favourite shoes. All I cared about was getting her up off the disgusting floor of the toilet! (Ever an older sister - so sensible!)

I got her upright enough to be able to leave the book store and walked 50 feet down the road to the first hotel we came to and checked us in. It was a very expensive hotel but I didn't care. We both knew we couldn't drive out of Belgium so we would have to stay where we landed.

Steph spent a good part of the afternoon in the showering crying over her ruined shoe and how much she was missing her then boyfriend, now husband, Anthony. She wrote him a couple of very sappy love letters, which I think he still has and does use occasionally to blackmail her.

We left Belgium the next day (looking worse for the wear) and returned home to Dusseldorf. Steph returned to the USA the next day. We still laugh about these stories. I hope our children will one day as well!

Sisters in Europe - Episode 2

We spent the first few days of my sister's European Adventure showing her around my life in Dusseldorf. We went to the Altstadt, which is the Old Town, full of German pubs and nightclubs and restaurants. The pubs had no drinking age or closing times. This was a fabulous experience for an 18 year old from Colorado. I had to keep an eye on her!

We had a Scottish friend, John Craig, round for dinner. Steph didn't say much throughout most of the meal. She was helping me clear the table and bring out dessert when she asks me "So why do you speak English to him but he answers you in a foreign language?" She hadn't understood a word my mate was speaking. Of course he was speaking English just with a very heavy Scottish accent. I nearly died laughing.

The first weekend she visited we set off for Paris. We took the overnight train and arrived at Gare de Nord at 5 am. We checked into our little hotel and set off to explore.

I've been to Paris loads and I love the city. The architecture, the history, the food, the wine: everywhere you turn there are treasures to be found. I love sitting in a cafe and just watching the people.

We raced around in the August heat. It was 100 degrees or more whilst we were there and we made sure to stop at every public fountain and drip our toes in with all the other tourists.

We saw the Eiffel Tour and the Arc de Triumphe. We got lost (more than once) in the Louvre. We marvelled at Notre Dame (my favourite cathedral in all the world).

We went out for dinner on Saturday night to a fabulous restaurant. No one could quite understand the menu. French menus can baffles even the most fluent of French speakers. My then-boyfriend, Glen, ordered salmon. when it came it was very few very thinly sliced pieces. He thought he was going to starve and we shared our meals with him. Turns out, his was all you could eat and they just kept bringing him more. At least none of us starved!

We drank loads of great wine with dinner and then proceeded to spend a great deal of time in a cafe drinking more wine. Steph just couldn't believe her luck. At about 4 am we decided we might just maybe find our way back to the hotel. But first we needed to find a taxi.

We had decided amongst ourselves that Stephanie probably spoke the best French. She had just finished 4 years of high school. Whereas I had graduated high school 10 years earlier and had clearly forgotten everything I had learnt, especially after vast quantities of vin blanc et vin rouge!

Glen hailed a cab. I told the driver where we were going and he told us how much. I thought this was a fair amount but Stephanie, buoyed my the new found confidence of spurred on by lots of vin, she starts negotiating. In French! Flawless French. I tell you, she speaks better French drunk than she does sober. Well, at least that's how it sounded to me.

We got home and the next morning over our Cafe au lait et croissant le petit dejeuner, we discovered we paid this taxi the equivalent of about $20 to take us clear across the city. Wow, that Stephanie drives a hard bargain!

On Sunday we took the late afternoon train back to Dusseldorf. We had a very odd experience as we all settled down into our seats for the return journey with our books. Steph stared out the window waiting for the train to leave the platform and her index finger pad just suddenly split open and started bleeding. I have this photograph (which of course I can't find right now) of her holding up her bleeding finger looking extremely forlorn. God only knows what that was all about. But it has stuck in my memory. And hers. After forgetting her at the airport, it is the first thing she recalls about the trip!

Sisters in Europe - Episode 1

When my sister, Stephanie, graduated from high school, I was living in Germany. As a graduation gift I gave her a ticket to visit and spend some time travelling around Europe.

First things first: she had to get a passport. One thing that always amazes Europeans is that so many Americans don't get passports as soon as they are born. I try to explain that with a country as big as America, they don't really need to go outside of their national borders to have a holiday. Pretty much every thing you can possibly want to do on holiday can be found somewhere in the 50 states. They usually wisecrack a response back like "except history beyond 250 years old". which I have to give them.... I try not to defend a whole country. I am just 1 American. I can't possibly represent a nation of 360 million.

Secondly, she got on the airplane and arrived at the airport in Germany. A day early. OK, a day earlier than I thought she was arriving. It was early morning and I was blow drying my hair (getting ready for work) and my boyfriend, Glen, answered our phone. I heard his side of the conversation which went something like this:

• Hi, Steph!


• Where are you?


• What are you doing there?


• How long have you been there?


• LaDawn, when is you sister arriving?


• To which I reply, Tomorrow morning.


• No, she's at the airport now


• To which I reply, But she doesn't get here until tomorrow.

I could hear my sister crying down the phone, "Come get me! NOW!!" He did.

I took the day off work and spent it apologising to my sister. I'm still apologising.

She didn't speak a word of German. She had to beg for change. Had to ask for help to dial the phone number. The phones were way too different for her to figure out. And the instructions were in German.

She still has not forgiven me. She insists I forgot her. I maintain that I just got the days a bit wrong.