Friday, 5 October 2007

Letting Go

3 October was my Grandmother's birthday. Well, not exactly. Does a dead person still have a birthday? I can't send a card and I can't send them an email. There is no birthday cake or special supper.

But days like these are still marked in my calendar. I'm still electronically reminded by my online calendar that it was her birthday. Her name is written next to the date in my birthday card organiser.

Just like her phone number is still in my speed dial even though if I were to dial it I'm not sure if I would get someone else or one of those irritating voice recordings telling me that number is no longer in service. I've never actually tried to dial the number. Although I've nearly called her on a number of occasions. Until I remember she wouldn't be there to answer. She is on my list of webcam contacts. We used it only a few times before she died. But her names is still there. She is still listed in m y Skype contacts although I must say we never quite mastered that method of communication.

Her email address is still in my contact list and her home address is still in my phone book. Her name is still on my Christmas card and gift list.

I have a black cardigan that belonged to her and her dressing gown. I refuse to wash the dressing gown and I wore the cardigan today.

I received our Family Cookbook in the post a few weeks ago. I was so happy. And then I started reading it. I read all the wonderful recipes that Nanny had submitted previously and my heart broke when I realised she will not be making any future submissions.

I still miss her a bit every single day.

4 comments:

Brooke said...

I loved talking with your nanny. Since my grandma (her sister) had died before I was born I had always looked at her as a grandma and not my great aunt. She was a great lady and missed very much. Nanny used to tell me stories about my grandma Mary Lou. I think my dad had a very good mom just like you had a very good grandma.

Janell said...

She was one of my favorite people. The whole cookbook would not even exist if not for her efforts and moral support when I first started it several years ago.

barabas said...

Don't ever let go if she meant that much.

Stephanie said...

I miss her so much. She is still in all my phone books, speed dial, and email too. Maybe by removing her it will mean she is gone. I prefer denial at this point. If she is in my speed dial than I can call her. Right!