New Dads

I read an article in a newspaper (I think it was The Telegraph) a while back about how there is a new generation of dads emerging. These new kind of dads do the dishes, hoover the carpet, make dinner. In fact some even go so far as to be the primary care giver whilst mum goes out to earn the wage. Well goody for them. What do they want, a medal?

Women have been doing these jobs for ages and they certainly haven’t won any medals. In fact the press largely ignores their ongoing selfless contribution to raising the next generation of adults. But boy golly, a dad lends a hand to the running of a house and it is worth a feature article. Give me a break.

Let me tell you about the next generation of dads as I observe it.

1. Do Over Dad. This is the dad that has decided he isn’t quite happy with the wife and family he made the first time so he has decided to abandon them and do it all over again with a new woman and new children. This dad rarely visits his first children. If he does, it rarely ends in a satisfactory outcome for the children and the now single mother is left wiping the tears of children disappointed when these dads don’t turn up at their football matches or music concerts or dramatic performances. This dad is never around when they are sick or have nightmares in the middle of the night. The dad prefers to pretend that the first family never happened.

2. Absent Dad. This is the dad that left. And never came back. Ever.

3. Career Dad. This is the dad so obsessed with himself and his career that he never or rarely makes it home to have dinner with his children. He rarely, if ever, attends school meetings with the teacher because the only value he imagines himself as having is earning more money or getting an outstanding performance appraisal from his boss who would quite frankly make him redundant with the nod of a head if it was between him or the dad. He’s fooling himself and leaving his children feeling abandoned.

4. Late Again Dad. This is the dad who never makes it in time to anything. He misses the first half of the birthday party because he wanted to watch the last half of the football match on television or finish his pint at the pub. The message this dad sends to his children is that the time he spends away from his children is worth more to him than the time he spends with his children.

5. Mobile Device Dad. This is the dad that is there in body but absent in mind. He stands apart from the group of parents whilst fast and furiously typing away on his blackberry/iPhone/mobile device of choice. He is so self important he can’t be bothered to engage with anyone. He takes phone calls or replies to emails during dinner or a rainy Saturday at the cinema.

So maybe there is an increase of dads more fully engaged in family life. But I would argue there is a larger group of dads less engaged in family life who are abdicating responsibility for their family to their wife/partner whilst pursuing a self serving agenda.

Let me just say before everyone spams the heck out of my comments, there are a lot of great dads out there. My husband is way more engaged in our children’s lives than my father ever was. He used to do the majority of nappy changes (I have a weak gag reflux – that’s my story and I’m sticking to it). He does way more of the bath time than I do since I once read an article that children get better academic results if they are given bath time by their dad (I made him read it and have been using it ever since.) My husband has been known to make a wicked lasagna. It is fair to say that we don’t have a traditional divide of household duties in our home just like many of you out there.

And to be fair there ain’t nothing wrong with the traditional divide if that suits each skill set. Whilst my husband can just about manage to cook a meal, he can’t plan a a weekly meal schedule or do the grocery shopping (without wildly exceeding our budget), and trust me when he’s done every dish in the kitchen is dirty so I don’t let him do it very often.

What I couldn’t abide was this self congratulating attitude in the article that dads were doing so much better than they used. Looking round, that’s not what I see. Unless we have ridiculously low expectations of the men among us. And I know that can’t be true. Or maybe it is if you read The Telegraph.

Down on the Farm

The first few days we spent at my Dad's home in Missouri were packed with farm filled activities. Sebastian was gutted when he heard Popa had gotten rid of the goats but there was no shortage of fun. The funniest was when Sebastian got dumped off when he tried to ride Dilly. He had a nasty bruise for a few days. We had consecutive nights of severe thunderstorm warnings which brought amazing clouds but just a bit of rain. The weather was hot and humid. Best that can be expected in Missouri in July!

Camping

If you are an avid reader of my blog (and you better be!), you will have read about my families camping adventures this summer. This was an important holiday for me on so many different levels.

As a young family, I'm not sure how my parents could have afforded to take us five children on holiday. Maybe they couldn't. Maybe that is why we went camping instead. I can honestly say that I don't care that we didn't go on extravagant holidays to Disneyland. I think what a child can learn exploring the campsite is better than any theme park ride!

Camping taught me a whole host of life skills that I still use today. Knowing not to run from a bear and that the best defense is to curl up in a ball can be very useful. In North America. We don't have bears in the UK! OK, not sure if I use these skills but it was great fun. Ah, peeing outdoors: never know when this might come in handy!

Abigail has a complete fascination with the whole camping concept. Not sure where this grand idea has come from. And one insightful individual did point out to us that it seemed a bit mad to allow the whim of a 3 year old influence you choice of holiday destinations. but she is already talking about our camping adventures next year.

But none of us had a better idea. Besides I have incredibly fond memories of camping as a child.

My first family camping adventures started out in a tent. My dad had this ancient jeep and we would pack everything up and go. At this point I believe there were 4 of us and Tyson was little more than a wee baby. I remember one time in particular lying in our sleeping bags and hearing the trees behind the tent rustling in the dead of night. My mother swears she saw the outline of a moose. I believe her.

This was the time that me and my brothers found this amazing natural slide in a group of rocks. We would sit down on our bottoms and slide down. Every night when we got dressed for bed my mother would find holes in our underpants. It seems that our jeans were sturdy enough to withstand the sliding down the rocks but our underpants we were wearing straight through. Dad told us not to go sliding down the rocks any more.

Seems to me we spent a lot of time fishing. or trying to fish. Mostly my dad was digging hooks out of each other. Hard to fish with small children. I imagine it could be classed an extreme sport. But we did always seem to catch something. Mom was always cooking up trout for dinner over an open fire in a large cast iron skillet. Mmmmmmm, mouth watering just thinking about it.

Shortly after that we got one of those campers that fold down then once you get parked they pop up and the beds slide out from the sides. I don't remember lots of camping in that one. But we must have done it because that's it in the picture. It was hard to pack with not a lot of room and no where to do the cooking. Steph wasn't born yet. I think my mom might have been pregnant with Tyson. You can see my dad leaning against the jeep. That's Shelby hanging out the window and George is sitting on the ground. Obviously that's me standing up near George.

But then we got the Cadillac of all campers. Dad bought us a fifth wheel trailer which is bigger and better than a motor home. This was a house on wheels. Of course, we couldn't go to the out of the way places in the Rocky Mountains like we did with the tent and I never heard a moose behind the trailer but we did take the trailer to the Colorado State Fair. And the bed were comfy.

Mom & Dad's bed was up some stairs at the front. Steph was a baby and we had this little moses basket that mom would just put down next to the bed. The kitchen in this trailer was lovely. But I reckon camping with 5 small children was no picnic. But we did have some fun times.

I hope my children gain the same fond memories of camping that I have.

A Twitch

When my father drives he twitches. Not just during his driving actually.

He plays with the wedding band on his finger like he's constantly checking that it is there. Twisting the fingers on either side of his ring finger he pushes the ring back into place (not that it fell out of place). And he raises his left shoulder and tucks his ear down to meet it.

And he doesn't watch the road when he drives. He talks about everything that's going by outside the car windows. And he'll be looking at you and out the window and pointing to things. And only occasionally does he glance out the window to look straight ahead at the road he is driving on. This means he swerves sometimes to correct his course and prevent the car from landing in the ditch.

It used to make me nervous, all this twitching and not watching. I don't think he realises he does it. But, as he would be quick to point out, we have never NEVER ended up in the ditch.

I wonder if I've got a twitch.....

Happy Father's Day

Walk a little slower, Daddy.

Said a little child so small.

I'm following in you footsteps

And I don't want to fall.

Sometimes your steps are very fast.

Sometimes they're hard to see;

So, walk a little slower, Daddy,

For you are leading me.

Someday when I'm all grown up,

You're what I want to be;

Then I will have a little child

Who'll want to follow me.

And I would want to lead just right.

And I know that I was true;

So walk a little slower, Daddy,

For I must follow you.

Father's Day Gifts

Some ideas for father's day!

Children in the Workplace

This week is half-term for school children. And my childminder took a week of holiday and went to Turkey with her family with a weeks notice. So, Marc & I are trying to juggle child care and work.

Yesterday I solved the problem of having meetings in the morning by taking Sebastian to my office with me. We packed up his little Power Rangers backpack with his Nintendo DS Lite and some games, some coloured pencils and some puzzle books. We dressed him in a smart looking shirt (blue button down) and chinos - the corporate uniform. We combed his hair so that it was flat.

On the drive to the office you could feel his excitement buzzing out of the back seat. Wish I felt that excited about going to work every day. We went through the "Behaviour Drill". These are the rules of best behaviour:

1. Remember to say please and thank you.
2. Use your inside voice.
3. Shake people's hand when you meet them.
4. Speak clearly and look people in the eye when they talk with you.
5. No running around like a crazy maniac.

I was just hoping for adherence to number 5. Although I would like to do that some days at the office.

He walked across the parking lot holding my hand. He was very impressed with the lift (elevator). He got to press the required button for my floor. He liked the idea of my security card access and thought we should put those on all the doors at home. He was super impressed with my desk. I was just impressed to have a desk that day.

My first meeting was just at my desk with one other person and Sebastian was happy to play with his Nintendo next to me. My next meeting was in a conference room with 10 other people. When we walked into the meeting room, Sebastian turned red and collapsed behind my chair. He was scared to death. I suddenly viewed the situation through the eyes of a 5 year old.

There were 9 big (tall) people (all men, not unusual in my company) looking very serious and self-important dressed in shirts and ties. Not a smile among them. No one was happy to be there.

I quickly got out his coloured pencils, grabbed some flip chart paper and sat on the floor with him. The meeting started and Sebastian sat on the floor happily drawing what he later described as a cowboy bear. He didn't interrupt once. Never said a word. And I conducted the meeting sitting on the floor. Whole new perspective!

I went to the next meeting with just 3 of my colleagues. One of my colleagues brought Sebastian some apple juice. Another colleagues gave him a chair and a place at the table. He drew for the next hour whilst we merrily conducted our business. Occasionally, one of my colleagues would shown an interest in what he was doing and he would politely (if a bit slowly)describe what he was drawing. Then he would carry on. And so would we.

The highlight of my day was when we went to lunch together in our canteen (cafeteria). Sebastian made friends with the cafeteria staff and he got some chips (french fries). I got a sandwich and some crisps (potato chips). We got our drinks. He showed me where the ketchup was. I never knew before!

And then we sat a chatted about the day so far. I never do that. I very rarely even break for lunch. Oh, I know everything I read says I should but quite frankly, there are a lot of things I should do every day that I don't. Like floss. Sitting there with my son and sharing his perspective on his morning in my office was exhilarating. He said I talk to a lot of people. And I sound really clever. He said it looks like I work really hard.

Mostly, I was just proud of him beyond belief. Today, I've gotten voicemail and email from colleagues who met him yesterday telling me what an extraordinary individual he his and how happy they were to meet him. Well, duh! What did you expect?

I think we should all take our children into the office with us periodically. Let them see what this place is that demands so much time and attention away from them. After my father retired from horse racing he drove a long haul truck. He delivered swinging beef from Denver to Chicago. Not sure what came back in the trailer. He took me with him once. I never realised how hard he worked til then.

But it was a dangerous job. Trucks are involved in horrific road traffic accidents. He was in one once where 3 teenagers died. He got mugged at gun point once in Chicago. Truck stops were full of dodgy characters and he didn't want to take me to the men's room and he didn't want me to go to the ladies on my own. I was angry with him for only letting me go with him only once. He took my brothers with him much more often. But he could take them into the men's room with him he said. I didn't get that then. I soooo get that now.

Luckily, my job is not dangerous, although those 9 men in the conference room certainly left Seb with the impression that it might be. Take your children (or someone else's) to work with you. Show them what you do. They will enrich your day!

May Photo Album

What do you want to be when you grow up?

My dad was a jockey. How cool is that? I used to be embarassed by this because it meant we were all short. But then I learned that short was cute and cute was good. My dad is short and cute.

Then someone once told me that him being a jockey also meant that he used to be a professional athlete. Now that is seriously cool. Especially to a child. This boast brought me lots of street cred.

He was a good jockey. He was the leading apprentice jockey and I've seen some of his trophies and awards. I've read the newspaper articles out of the sports sections extolling his genius. (I already know that - don't need a newspaper to point out my father is a genius.) I've seen the photographs of him in the winner's circle. I'm even in a couple of those photos usually wearing matching outfits with my proud mom (complete with hats, gloves and matching shoes). This was the 60s.

I once asked my dad if he ever got hurt riding. He said yeah. Then I asked if he had ever broken any bones. He said yeah. Then I asked which one. He said "Pretty much all of them."

That's when I realised this is a dangerous sport. Not like football, basketball, or baseball. I mean really dangerous. A very small person (the smallest you can find) gets up on a large powerful beast. This person then encourages this beast to run as fast as it possibly can around a whole bunch of other people encouraging their beast to do the same. This is madness.

He once fell off the leading horse and just rolled up into a ball hoping that none of the horses behind him run on top of him. Luckily, he escaped without any serious, permanent injuries.

Riding was a good living. Dad was real proud of the fact that he bought a brand new car with cash at 21 years old.

He stopped riding when I was about 6, I think. Riding is a hard life. You have to travel from race course to race course. Not an easy thing to do and still raise a family. He had friends who stayed in the business. One of his best friends, Brad Rollins, just recently passed away. He had stopped riding but was still training horses.

When asked if he had always wanted to be a jockey he would tell you "No, it's just that I was good at it and I was so small no one would hire me to do anything else."

Dad decided to try his hand at owning and training once. We bought a horse called Tommy Rock. He was a bum horse but he was beautiful. Couldn't run to save his life. Dad did try real hard. We sold him on and I think he became a successful show horse (like I said - he was beautiful).

My son Sebastian is a natural in the saddle and today if you ask him what he wants to be he'll tell you a jockey. We watched a film called "Dreamer" about "Sonador" a filly with a broken leg who went on to win the Breeder's Cup. Here is the true story. At the end of the film, Sebastian announced "That was a fabulous film. I bet I'll ride like that some day." I know his popa did!